It seems I will end up passing out any minute now.
My heart beats with a *doki doki* like an alarm bell. My head is dizzy with an over excessive amount of nervousness.
『I don’t want to hold a slender and frail woman like you.』
『Are you even human?』
『I don’t want to look at a woman with such inflated breasts.』
『Disgusting.』『Die.』『Go away.』
『It would have been better if you weren’t born.』『You should not have been born.』
I had a flashback of some of the words that were said to me in the past.
I thought Yuuto would say something like that so I was afraid and didn’t think I could breath.
But some part of my lowly, shameful self had some expectations.
I also had expectations in the past.
During my times as an adventurer, I had desperately saved up a decent amount of money with my comrades.
I had saved up enough money to build a palace in the imperial capital and went to a brothel while my heart beat quickly.
Back then I think we still hadn’t come to recognize the reality of the situation.
At least we had thought to wash ourselves thoroughly in order to not seem like a dirty woman…but when we got there all we received were looks of pure, intense disgust.
It was painful. I wanted to run away.
But we wanted to learn more about a man and so we tried to pay with the money we were grasping tightly.
However, everywhere we went as soon as they saw my face they would reject my money.
『Please go home.』
I tried to restrain the other person while pleading that I would pay any amount of money.
I beg people passing by on the street saying “I will do anything so please sleep with me” and rubbing my head on the ground, but they avoid me as if I am some sort of nuisance.
They shook their heads in refusal when we entered the brothel and they said that no male prostitute would be willing to keep us company.
Even though I would be willing to give almost everything I own just to finally see someone get naked, anytime I get near “it” “it” would never react to me.
On the contrary, whenever they would look at us when we undressed it would cause them to vomit.
Even though it was just the beginning…it was just the beginning but we had already been to a variety of stores.
But it was useless.
There is even a store where we are prohibited from going in and out of.
Me and my party had tried several times, several tens of times but we ended up giving up.
I spent everyday with a look of despair as I had delusions of a happiness I could never reach.
I curse this body many times over.
This silky, flimsy silver hair, this symmetric1 face.
These slender and long limbs, this lanky body is all making me miserable. 2
In my delusions I would hold hands with a man.
We would sleep together. We would hold each other close and kiss.
And then only in my delusion would my lover comfort my hot body.
I would always comfort myself with that delusion.
But since I don’t know a man’s warmth I can’t be satisfied.
After I finished masturbating I would cry to myself quietly until I fell asleep.
But perhaps what I want isn’t too far out of reach.
When I thought that, I could no longer bear it.
I try to take advantage of his kindness.
I am surely a terrible woman.
That’s why I put on an appearance like I would apply a curse to someone.
But, even so… despite that, for once I would like to be loved by a man.
「E-to」
I am surprised by such a sudden development.
Somehow it seems my actions have differed from the novel’s protagonist once again.
「Tsu-!」
Nina looks in my direction with eyes that shake with anxiety.
My heart jumped with a *dokun*.
It’s the first time I’ve had a woman look at me with a feverish gaze.
When she looks at me with those moist blue eyes and strong feelings, I understand that she is serious.
But I think we may be skipping a couple steps here.
「P-Please! Somehow, please…」
Still she was serious.
Nina thought I would come to hate her any second now so tears started to accumulate in her eyes.
「………」
I looked at the desperate Nina and my slow wits finally realized.
That’s right, what am I doing?
I already know her.
The girl in the novel always seemed so sad.
But then she was saved from that sorrow when she met the protagonist.
Even her parents loathed her existence and no one in her birthplace would approach her.
I didn’t properly take her feelings into consideration.
“…Stop screwing around.”
I wanted to hit myself who was only trying to follow the actions of the protagonist.
Since the beginning, I didn’t want to be separated from this silver-haired girl’s pitiful face.
This girl who sincerely wanted to know about me was unbearably lovely.
「Nina.」
Nina had her name called out and she trembled.
She is afraid of how I would respond.
And yet she had mustered up her courage.
In that case, I need to prepare myself as well.
「I like you.」
I am not the protagonist.
But even so, this feeling is the only thing I won’t lie about.
「Eh… eh…?」
Nina made a face like a pigeon being shot by a peashooter3
She was utterly confused.
「You l-like me? Eh, eh?…eh?」
I thought it would be cowardly to not convey these feelings to her.
I said that while looking at Nina’s eyes that showed honest surprise.
Even if only a little, I want these feelings to be transmitted to her.
「It was love at first sight. Please go out with me.」
I lower my head to her.
I thought the timing to say this was a little sly but I wanted to tell her.
It’s scary. Just the thought that I might be refused is gonna make my heart burst.
Did Nina also have to gather this much courage?
Although it is a bit late, I feel like I can understand the extent of her resolution.
「That, a-are you serious?」
In this world, a love confession is considered sacred.
As for me I don’t really understand it, but only for this I am as serious as can be.
Even if only a little I want to take some of the burden off of this beautiful girl in front of my eyes.
I thought I would like to go through life with her hand in hand.
「Please, please believe me.」
The girl, who had a face that said she didn’t understand what just occurred, finally realized the situation.
Her eyes opened as wide as possible and her face floated a look colored with surprise.
Even so I keep my gaze locked on her strongly and slowly start to speak to ascertain her feelings.
「I-I am incredibly ugly right? Is that alright? Are you- are you alright with me?」
「Please don’t say things that will lower your own self-value. I fell in love with you at first sight.」
When I answered without any hesitation, I found out that Nina had lost her breath.
「For me, please. Can I please be your first love?」
When I said so, almost as if a dam burst, her tears started to flow uncontrollably.
Her face became dishevelled with tears and mucus.
Even so I still thought she was pretty and beautiful.
「I, am ugly but…I want to try holding hands and being held closely.」
But she continues.
「Everyone thinks it would be okay for someone like me to die…! That’s why I always thought it would be fine if I would die.」
「… If you still have the courage to want to live I will embrace you as much as is required, so please don’t die.」
「Everyone would say I am ugly! I am a monster! Such things, to me, I hated it! I couldn’t handle it! But, but…!」
I couldn’t wait anymore and embraced Nina.
She hugs me back.
It made me happy so I put more power in my arms and strengthened my embrace.
「Apart from that- I- about me- more than anything…!I wanted someone to say they like me! Just once, even if it was only once it would be fine, I wanted to receive someone’s love!」
I accept Nina’s piled up emotions.
The power she put in her arms started to hurt, but even so I still accepted it.
「I love you, Nina. That’s why please don’t be convinced that you aren’t human!」
I move my face close to Nina’s ear.
I was overcome with a flurry of emotions and speak about my heavy feelings that I had been holding back.
「I love everything about you.」
When I hug her tightly, she immediately returns my embrace with even more power.
Since she had received affection from the first person ever, she started to cry.
She was extremely beautiful.
I tried to the best of my efforts to convey my feelings to this girl and slowly and gently stroked her head.