Just a Guy in Space

Edit: Sorry for the late chapter. I had the flu for a couple of days and took some time off writing. This is also a lengthier chapter, with more exposition. I hope you enjoy it.

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Chapter 4

Gus’ happy fun time with Sil Nubo was interrupted by the whine of the doors sliding open. The stunningly stacked green woman he’d seen before walked in followed by a dour greenman and a strange bugman who walked on two legs.

Sil deferentially stepped aside and let the bugman fiddle with the consoles. There really wasn’t much room to sit in here and the 4 aliens standing around him were starting to make him edgy. The green men weren’t saying anything, apparently waiting on bugman’s work to be done. The latter turned to the woman and started making weird clicking sounds from his mouth tentacles.

“The scanners show no signs of tampering or malfunctioning,” AI’s dispassionate voice sounded out. “The data we received is genuine. He also appears to be in much better health. Setting him up in a contained field with atmospheric conditions that mirror his homeworld did the trick.”

Gus blinked. “I can actually understand you now? Do you guys have some sort of universal translator set up?”

Bugman turned to him and clicked some more. “Quite astute of you. AI has been going into overdrive just parsing your world’s language. Compiling a proper vocabulary was also a challenge. Your people seem to have no unified language.”

“Yeah, I mean, English is pretty prevalent but what language you speak depends entirely on where you find yourself.”

“How inefficient,” dour-faced greenman replied. “Another sure sign of your lack of civilisation.”

“Civilise this,” Gus said, flipping him the bird.

All the aliens looked at him in what appeared to be polite confusion. He sighed. Can’t even insult them properly.

“Lieutenant, no need to antagonise our guest,” the woman said. Her voice wasn’t particularly melodic and had some harsh undertones in it. Her cold demeanour coupled with the deference the rest of them showed her indicated she was their superior.

“You’re the boss lady around here?”

“Boss… lady?” She quizzically tilted her head as AI translated his words.

“Yeah, the head honcho. The, you know, the captain of this ship, so to speak.”

She nodded. “I am indeed the captain of the Pride of Vanatu. My name is Echina of clan Umdyn. These are Lieutenant Lashqran of clan Takk and Lieutenant Xar’suk. My second in command and Chief Science officer respectively,” she said, gesturing to the green man and bug guy.

“Cool. Nice to meetcha. I’m Gus Martinez, from Earth. I’m human by the way.”

“Hyoomaan?”

“Yeah, human.”

“Human?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Very well Human. On behalf of the New Intergalactic Coalition of Sonder, I extend my sincerest apologies for the situation you find yourself in. It was not our intention to transport you alongside our scout probe. We shall endeavour to make your stay here as pleasant as possible.” Her voice was still devoid of any warmth or contrition for that matter.

He scratched his head. “Thanks for the welcome. I don’t suppose you can drop me back on Earth?”

“Impossible. We have already exited your star system. Our stop here was merely a product of our chief science officer’s over-eagerness. We have continued our journey as soon as the probe was recovered.”

“Well, fuck. What do we do now?”

Echina was staring sat him, waiting for something it seemed. After a while she shrugged. “You seem to be taking this in stride. I expected more shock. You have after all been abducted by what you would consider aliens.”

He waved his hand, dismissing her claims. “Abducted, shmabducted. There isn’t much for me back on Earth to be honest.”

Everyone stared blankly at him. “Sorry, AI didn’t translate that properly. What did you say?”

“It’s just colloquialism from Earth. It means I’m not too bothered by this situation. I’m an orphan and I don’t have many friends. I just got accepted into a scholarship program and the few people I know will probably think I’m deep in research if I don’t contact them for a couple of years.”

Bug man perked up, approaching him until he was almost touching the forcefield. “Research you say? Are you a scientist?”

“Yes, though I’m not a very good one. My research paper was going to be on a common surface antigen found in red meat and crustaceans that could potentially cause a sudden onset of anaphylaxis after consumption of red meat. I guess I never got around to that first lab meeting.”

“Fascinating. Anaphylaxis? AI translated that as sudden shock reaction. Can you elaborate?”

“Sure. You see, when the immune system identifies antigens, marks them as foreign and attacks cells attached to these as soon as they encounter them after the initial inoculation. When it goes out of whack and decides that a similar antigen or the same antigen found in something you used to have a tolerance to is a foreign invader, it’ll try to destroy it – thus causing sudden onset anaphylaxis.” He couldn’t read bug man’s body language but the greenmen were suddenly very still. “This is the Cliff’s note version. The abbreviated version, I mean.”

“Are you saying… your own body… could potentially attack you?”

“Yeah, pretty much. That’s what happens in any autoimmune disease actually.”

“This immune system, it protects you from disease yes?” Gus nodded. “Do you update it regularly? How costly is it? Could you not simply remove the cells causing the harm?”

Gus chuckled. “That’s not how it works mate. The human immune system self-regulates. So it’ll encounter a disease or foreign agent and try to fight it using standard means. When that doesn’t work, it busts out the T or B cells that are “trained” let’s say, to fight that specific disease. When the infection is over and done with, the vast majority of the cells involved in the immune defence get destroyed. Only a small portion remains alive as memory cells so that the next time the body encounters the same disease, it gets eradicated much more quickly.”

“That’s preposterous. No immune system can be that complex. You must supplement it with boosters and regular updated cells, right? You go to a medical station and buy the required upgraded system to replenish your own, yes?”

“Naw man, like I said, that’s not how it works. The closest thing to what you’re saying is vaccines. We inject ourselves with dead microbes or attenuated viruses and wait for the immune system to develop resistance against it then we’re set. That’s it.”

“So you are very disease resistant then?” the captain interrupted. “Are your other physical attributes as developed?”

“What do you mean? Like, motor skills and stuff like that?”

“Yes, amongst other things. Let’s use you as an example. How do your abilities compare to an average being from Earth?”

“I’m afraid I’m below average in terms of fitness. I’m not fat by any means but I don’t have a lot of muscle mass. I’d say I’m average in terms of strength and below that in terms of stamina. Intelligence-wise I’d say I’m above average.” That seemed to cause a stir. “What’s wrong?”

“We scanned you while you were unconscious and have been studying those readings since then. You mean to say that the physical attributes you have are below average for the standard Earth being? And you said you were a scientist – how do you compare physically to the warrior caste of your species?”

“Yeah, I’m a scientist and as such I don’t focus on keeping fit all that much. I exercise regularly to keep in shape but compared to a soldier, I’m very weak. I’d say a soldier on active duty would be about 5 times stronger than me, perhaps more.”

Hmm? They don’t seem to like that. Are they assuming their military is weaker? I hope they’re not basing that on my fitness level.

The lull in conversation was a good moment to ask about his earlier malaise. “Hey guys, can you tell me what happened to me earlier? I think I’m healthy enough not to faint at the drop of a hat.” Seeing more puzzled expressions he quickly explained that expression.

“You were having difficulty breathing. The atmosphere you’re used to breathing has a different composition than the one on this ship. The oxygen content is much lower here compared to your planet. There are also some more components that could have hastened your episode.”

Gus blinked. “Altitude sickness? That’s a bummer. Does that mean I can’t go anywhere on this ship?” Lieutenant Assface and Hot Captain exchanged more glances. This didn’t look good. “You are planning on letting me roam the ship right? I’m not going to be confined to whatever room you can fit me in, right?” More silence. “Come on guys, I’m not dangerous. I told you, I’m just a scientist. I’m not even that smart! I had to suck all kinds of dick to get that scholarship! Figuratively speaking, I mean. Besides, you’ve all but admitted to kidnapping me! I think I deserve some fair compensation.”

“Letting you out of this field could be dangerous. You are the host of a surprising amount of microorganisms that could potentially cause a pandemic on this ship. You grew up in much heavier gravity, which will affect your movements and cause accidents. You are an unknown species with heightened physical attributes and we don’t not know who or what might provoke you. As Captain of this ship, I cannot allow such a risky guest freedom of movement.”

Gus’ mind reeled. That was not part of the plan. He sat down, rubbing his scraggly beard as he was wont to do when thinking. “Okay, okay. Let’s address that. First thing: aggression. Have I exhibited any signs of being angry or violent since I’ve been onboard this ship?” He didn’t wait for the answer and continued. “My behaviour has been nothing short of exemplary and I have complied with your every request. I’ve answered questions truthfully and readily. Assign a member of your security personnel to keep an eye on me if you’re not satisfied with that. If you’re worried about infection here’s a solution. Give me a vacsuit. A vacuum suit I mean. Like the kind you use whenyou have to be in a vacuum. It’ll isolate me from the rest of your crew while still allowing me to move. If you connect it with a supply of breathable air similar to my homeworld, that’s killing two birds with one stone. That means accomplishing two things at once by the way.”

He paused to catch his breath and looked at the Captain. If he guessed correctly everything hinged on her. “Look, I’ll even volunteer information about Earth. Sil told me you got a bunch of data right? That’s just information with no context. You could pad up your report with impressions from a real human. Think about it. I’m a very valuable scientific resource. All I’m asking is a bit of consideration,” he pleaded, eyes fixed on the captain.

She stood silently judging the weight of his words like some sort of stone effigy. He was starting to get really nervous when she tapped something on her collar. She turned to her crewmembers and they began arguing his fate. The AI didn’t translate anything and he struggled to make sense of what he was hearing. Sil was anxiously looking at him from the side but didn’t offer a word in his defence.

Should have expected that. I might be the shiny new toy but she doesn’t want to upset mommy.

Bugman suddenly started clicking his mandibles like crazy. The tempo suggested he was frantically making his case. He turned to Sil and clicked some more. She appeared startled but quickly recovered. They conversed for a while, the two scientists enthusiastically speaking with the dour-faced lieutenant making short and (to his Gus’ mind) snide comments. The captain turned back to him and stared at him.

It was his first time really seeing her. She looked quite youthful by his standards, with no lines on her face or visible scarring. No crow feet around her eyes or laugh lines around her mouth either. She wasn’t accustomed to laughing. She was about a head shorter than him with long, black hair. No wait, not black. He looked more closely and noticed it was actually a very deep blue. It was held in a tight bun with that thin, long braid going all the way to just above her pert butt. And her eyes! Set on a symmetrical face, her purple fox eyes seemed to bore into his soul. That could just have been a measure of how nervous he felt though. Her skin colour wasn’t a sickly green but the deep, verdant colour of fresh grass on a summer day. Her body had the proportions of a well-toned athlete, with curious bulges underneath her glorious breasts. D-cup if he was any judge of that. He still couldn’t explain those bulges though, something to do with her alien physiology, he was sure. A man could stare at her for eternity and not waste a single second.

He snapped back to attention as he noticed her mouth move and AI’s voice once again echoed in the room. “Human, my chief science officer made a good case for your release. We shall provisionally do as you said. A vacuum suit will be provided to you, along with canisters of breathable air. You will be responsible for maintaining that supply. You will be granted a low-level security clearance but will be escorted by a member of security wherever you might go, excluding your cabin. You will be set up in one of our diplomatic guest rooms, so your comfort won’t be a problem.”

He sighed in relief but she wasn’t done. “In exchange you will make yourself available for any and all tests we might have to carry out regarding your physical and mental abilities, including studying the microorganisms you host. You will not be aggressive towards any of my crew members or provoke them. At the first sign of violence, we will confine you to the brig. If you have any issues arising from your treatment by the crew members, you may bring them to me or Lieutenant Lashqran. The conditions may be revised at a later date according to your behaviour.”

She paused, waiting for Gus’ answer. He thought about it and really couldn’t come up with anything to say at the moment.

“Deal.”

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Just a Guy in Space

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Chapter 3

“AI has finished compiling the xenos’ language. We can now interrogate him,” Lashqran reported.

“Good. Perhaps we can get more concrete answers,” Echina replied. “Xar’usk, I’m surprised you’ve stopped telling us what a hoax the data from that probe is. What changed your opinion?” She had spent enough time around him to notice the slight tremble of his lower mandibles, a sure indicator of excitement amongst the Kmigar.

Xar’usk was positively giddy with enthusiasm at the idea of learning more about the xenos. “I’ve been going through the biometric data Lieutenant Nubo provided us. The xenos is a superb specimen. If that planet really is a category thirteen, then it explains perfectly how it evolved.”

Now she was curious too. Xar’usk was only ever this delighted for two reasons: mating or killing. “What does the biometric data tell us?” He had passed his yearly mating cycle, so he was probably thinking of bloodshed.

“It’s a predator.” Xar’usk clicked his mandibles in delight. “It has high density bones made of a compressed crystal compound, probably due to the high gravity of its home planet. It should be stronger than even an Agaraxian too, in theory.”

“What! That can’t be. We’ve evolved to be supreme examples of physical fitness and conditioning! There are few if any species out there that can match us or come close to it,” Lashqran replied, quite belligerently.

Xar’usk sighed. “What an eye-opening display of xenophobia, Lieutenant. I really can’t see why you’ve yet again been denied a promotion to Commander.” Lashqran visibly bristled and was about to rush into another xenophobic rant when Xar’usk interrupted him. “As I was saying, physically it is stronger than an Agaraxian. It has a tremendous amount of muscle fibers bundled together, with an incremental amount of fibers being recruited as physical activity escalates. Its nervous system is quite marvellous too. Reaction times should be within the one second range and the nerve fibers allow for fine motor control that most non-combat-inclined Council species lack.” Xar’usk was oblivious to the wary look Echina shared with Lashqran.

“It houses within itself a multitude of microorganisms that quite frankly could kill, disable or cause a pandemic among many Council species. We’re lucky the initial warp didn’t beam in the organisms on its skin. It’s currently being contained within the medical bay but we need a long term solution to that if we intend on keeping it. What else, what else?” Xar’usk pondered, mandibles subconsciously rubbing against one another in contemplation.

“Why do you say it’s a predator? It doesn’t look particularly dangerous,” Lashqran said. “In fact, I can say with certitude I, or indeed any Agaraxian, could defeat it in combat.”

“You can say that because you are stupid and think with your reproductive organs, not your brain,” Xar’usk snapped, getting tired of Lashqran’s endless snide comments.

Echina had to step in to stop the two of them from murdering each other on duty. “Gentlebeings, please, focus on the task at hand. Again, why do you say it’s a predator?”

“It should be obvious; superior musculature, hyper-dense bones that are most likely resistant to breaks, fast reactions with a wide range of motions and most important of all, front-facing binocular vision. Those are hunter eyes. Plus it has fangs in its mouth.”

Xar’usk stopped his passionate speech, staring at the viewscreen showing the xenos in the medical bay. His mandibles shuddered occasionally with restless energy. He was probably going to request something ridiculous like wanting to duel the xenos at any point now.

“Captain, I want to dissect it.”

A duel would have been better.

“Not you too,” Echina moaned. Everyone in the science department is insane. “As I told Lieutenant Nubo, there’ll be no dissecting any time soon.”

* * *

“So you’re saying every hyooman must mast her bait in order to control their mating urges?”

“Yes. It’s masturbate, by the way. It provides an easy release from pheromone build ups and allows us humans greater clarity of thought once accomplished. For a moment after masturbation, we experience higher focus and freedom from worldly desires. The best decisions are made after masturbation.”

Sil Nubo oohed and aahed at the bullshit he was spewing. Sorry catgirl, I gotta lay the ground works. Gus didn’t particularly feel bad about deceiving the bubbly catpersonthing (he completely forgot what her race was called). If he had to lie to have a chance of getting laid, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Hey, don’t judge, he’d soon turn into a wizard at this rate.

“Do the female of your species do this as well?” Sil enquired. Thought she was sitting a fair distance away from the forcefield, her entire body was leaning towards him, her cute triangular ears perked up and leaning towards him. The short delay between speech and translation didn’t bother either of them.

“The females sometimes masturbate more than the males of our species but frequency largely depends on the person. Is it the same for your species?” Gus wouldn’t let this perfect “learning opportunity” pass. “How do you control your mating urges?”

Sil actually blushed, her tail curling up along her leg.

How interesting, they’re surprisingly similar to humans.

“The Dinpth have a regular mating cycle. We experience increased blow flow to the reproductive organs, increased sensitivity, loss of consciousness sometimes, decreased cognitive function and often feel increased attraction to males of our species.”

The reason she was exposing such salacious details wasn’t because she got off on shame play or some such thing; Gus had coerced her (in the interest of science, of course) to answer any of his questions truthfully and he would reveal as much as he knew regarding anything she’d ask of him in return. Of course, he was giving her the highly redacted version but she didn’t really need to know that.

“So you basically go into heat? Is that true for any uh, any Dinps?”

“We do not!” Indignation coloured Sil’s usually enthusiastic voice. “We’re not animals, we’re sapiants, same as you and we can control ourselves, thank you very much!” Her tail was lashing a steady rhythm left and right with her fur bristling all over. He’d better tone it down or she might ignore the forcefield and pounce on him or something.

“Sorry, sorry, I don’t really know much about alien physiology. I didn’t mean to offend you,” Gus shamelessly answered, playing the ignorant human card.

Sil crossed her arms, huffing, before giving in and leaning in towards him once more. “You know, you present very high similarity to Agaraxian physiology. Do you have common ancestry?”

“Agaraxian? You mean the greenmen? Nah, I don’t think so. According to the scientific research we have back on earth, life as we know it on our planet was a fluke. Something completely unexpected happened in the primordial muck and poof! Life emerged,” Gus said, gesturing wildly. Sil Nubo was entranced, staring at him with mouth agape. “It’s theorised that it started as life in water, then evolved to amphibious life and finally one day we got to the Homo sapiens sapiens. That’s us by the way. Let’s go back to mating rituals. How to Dinps signal sexual interest in each other?”

“Sexual interest?” Sil tilted her head like a cute child.

“Yes, if you want to copulate, what signal do you give to each other?”

“We… don’t? Copulation only occurs during the mating cycle and at that time, no such signal is necessary.”

“So you don’t… you know… have sex for fun?”

Sil’s eyes widened in shock. “What?! For… fun?” She frowned. “Is that even possible? That’s very Un-Dinpth-like behaviour. Do humans copulate for fun?”

Gus wondered how to answer that. This could make or break their relationship. He decided to gamble. “Yeah, humans can copulate either for reproductive purposes but they often do so for fun as well. It’s not very common on Earth but it’s not completely unheard of. It helps us establish close bonds in our uh… our packs. It’s a survival trait. You know… the closer you are, the more invested you are in the survival of your packmates.” Gus was furiously channelling the might of Bullshittus the god of All Essays and praying to Ditzittus, patron saint of all airheads.

Sil seemed to buy it. If she didn’t, he could always tell her about bonobos. She’d love it. Ever since she’d seen his “mating ritual”, she’d been engrossed in human rituals, mating and otherwise. He turned that to his advantage, easing her into talking about her own sexuality. “Say Sil, have you mated before?”

She blushed crimson, tail suddenly shooting straight up, ears straight on her head. “I-I-I don’t want to talk about it,” she stammered.

Oh, that’s interesting. “That won’t do Sil. You promised you’d answer any of my questions truthfully,” he said. She fidgeted as he leered at her. Her smallish B-cups (or were they C-cups? He really couldn’t tell) were swaying seductively in front of him. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll just stop answering your questions too,” he said, turning away from her.

He didn’t have to look to see her crestfallen expression. She was visibly struggling with herself before she answered.

“I… I haven’t mated before…” She squeaked.

“Why not?”

She was still blushing furiously. “I spent a lot of time exploring the wilderness of my home planet. Somehow I was always alone during my mating cycles. But it’s ok, I know what to do if I ever have to mate!” She stood up, pumping her fist. “Mother taught me everything she knows to prepare me for my future mate!”

“What’s the Dinp opinion on polygamy by the way?” He’d much rather have a harem than a single girlfriend if he could help it. “Do they allow it? Are they against? What about other species in your alliance?”

“It’s called the New Galactic Coalition of Sonder, or the Council for short. While there are some species in the Council that are specifically polygamous, the Dintphs stay with a specific mating partner only for the duration of the mating contract. This means that some can have multiple partners over their lifetime or can settle with the same mate for a long time.”

So having multiple partners isn’t a taboo for her. I wonder if that applies to having female partners too. He grinned widely at the thought of ploughing her and other aliens girls senseless. Getting kidnapped isn’t such a bad thing after all.

“Why do you keep doing that? Showing your teeth? I don’t think it’s a threat display, so what does it mean?”

“That’s a smile. Or a grin. It can express many things, but in this case, it’s an expression of joy. Humans can smile while showing their teeth or not. It depends entirely on the person.”

“Is it an independent reaction?”

“Like your tail? In most cases it is independent but we can smile on command.”

“Fascinating. If you can execute visual cues on command you must be very social creatures.”

“Indeed. Hey you know what? Once this field goes down and your captain lets me go, we should meet to discuss these differing social and mating rituals in more details. You know, all in the pursuit of science, of course.”

She thought about it for a minute but scientific curiosity killed the cat (ehehe) and she finally nodded.

This is so much fun. A virgin, airhead, space catgirl who wants to discuss human sexual practices. Did I just hit the jackpot?

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Just a Guy in Space

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Chapter 1

“The probe’s data was corrupted Captain. There’s no other explanation.”

Captain Echina stared at the Kmigar officer playing with his console. “You mean to tell me that the near indestructible data packets from the scout probes, engineered to record and transmit data at near-total fidelity after eons of research, have somehow ceased to function?”

“Yes.”

Her already fraying nerves were dangerously close to sparking an interspecies conflict on her ship. “Explain that to me please,” she said, mentally praising her restraint.

“The data itself is fine as in we can actually read it. It’s just completely garbled. None of it makes sense. According to gossip you caught a sapiant in the packet’s transfer, yes?” He continued after seeing her nod. “A sapiant species could not possibly have evolved on that planet if the data packet is accurate.”

“How so?”

“Well Captain… If I’m reading this right – and I am – then this planet is a category thirteen.”

Stunned silence.

Category thirteen. That’s…

“That’s not possible.”

Lieutenant Xar’usk clicked his mandibles. The transmitter translated that as an amused chuckle. “As I was saying, the data was corrupted.”

Echina turned to the viewscreen on the wall and stared at the blue planet. “You said there were many large settlements on the planet’s surface? And there is a thriving flora and fauna?”

Xar’usk clicked his mandibles in agreement. Lieutenant Lashqran was frowning, probably thinking about the same thing she was. “I guess the bug is right. Sapiant species don’t pop up on category thirteen planets.”

The bug in question bristled his mandibles at the slur but Echina beat him to the punch. “Lieutenant Lashqran! That kind of xeno-slurring is punishable by a reprimand!”

“Apologies Captain. I didn’t mean to say that,” Lashqran said without the faintest trace of contrition.

Echina returned to her musing, all the while staring at the planet. After a few minutes of silence she frowned.

“Xar’usk, what if the data is right?”

“As I said, it’s impossible.”

“Hypothetically speaking.”

He sighed. “Captain, even in a hypothetical situation, life on a category thirteen planet is impossible.” He turned to the viewscreen. “They don’t call them death worlds for nothing.”

* * *

Gus was lying down on what he assumed was a galactic standard bunk in what passed for a galactic standard jail in these parts of space. And it was clearly space he was in. A quick peek through those TVs confirmed it. He had been escorted by three of the green men to his present abode but they’d left him alone after that.

He got up and started pacing in his cell. The aliens were as clearly flummoxed by the situation as he was because no one had shown up to speak to him at all since he’d been … teleported? The most important thing to do now was to figure out how to communicate. He wouldn’t mind seeing more of that green chick though. He grinned, thinking of her delicious figure then instantly frowned. He lifted his shirt and inspected his smooth stomach, courtesy of a very strict student diet: instant ramen and orange juice. He wasn’t winning any bodybuilding prizes anytime soon.

He kept pacing. They clearly had a spoken language and there were other species of aliens on board. He’d caught more than a few utterly shocked eyes as he made his way down here. There were a few … bugs for lack of a better word and he’d even seen a huge rock-shaped thing trudging along in the hallways. Since they all seemed to speak a different language (the bugs mostly clicked their mandibles and the rock sounded like the crunch of gravel), there had to be some sort of translator in play. He’d read enough space opera books to know this much. The greenmen were the vast majority though. Perhaps they were to more predominant species in space?

He started feeling light-headed. And man, he was hungry as well. He sat down and the feeling got worst. The light-headedness was coming faster now and he started panting, like he was out of breath.

Great, I’m drowning on land. In space, I mean. I mean… You know what I mean.

“Can I get some help in here!” he screamed.

He started banging on the forcefield keeping him in the cell. It did him no good, the sounds was dampened to a very low thud. “I need some help!” he whizzed. All of a sudden the rough plastic look-alike surface he found himself kneeling on was looking mighty attractive.

So tired… I’ll just… rest my eyes… for a bit…

The plastic rushed to him. The impact knocked him out.

* * *

He woke up to the gentle prodding of a cold finger on his side. He slowly cracked an eye open. He was no longer in his cell and on some sort of bed. He slowly got up and looked around. The cold finger was in fact a metal needle that was repeatedly trying to poke him in the ribs.

He swatted it away and rubbed at his sore ribs. What were they trying to do? Around him a pinkish field shimmered into view. Great, more forcefields. He got off the bed and noticed that he was breathing much more easily than in his cell. He took a deep breath and stretched.

He examined the bed. It was as big a king-sized single bed, with protrusions at the top and bottom. One of them held a screen and a keyboard. He randomly poked them and heard a harsh chime when he touched a button. It didn’t seem to like that so he left it alone.

He looked around some more, trying to see beyond the pink field. There were some vague, shadowy figures moving around him, so he definitely had an audience.

He waved and saw one of the shadows stop.

“Hello friends,” he cheerfully said. “I come in peace!”

* * *

“Captain, it’s speaking.”

“Yes Xar’usk. I have ears.”

The alien was… not so strange, now that she looked at it more closely. It was a quadriform and bipedal just like an Agaraxian. Its skin was brownish however, with light fur on its forearms and what appeared to be hair on its head. There was more hair (or fur?) on its face, around the lips and jaw. Inquisitive, black eyes darted around the room, trying to see through the containment field. It was taller than a female Agaraxian but shorter than a male one.

She turned to lieutenant Xar’usk. “Any luck with the translator?”

He clicked his mandibles in negation. “AI is parsing the data collected by the probe in an effort to collate a large enough vocabulary to be of use. It may take some time but I expect it shouldn’t take more than a few hours or so.”

“Well, in the meantime call Lieutenant Nubo. Have her run a basic check on the xenos. We got lucky it didn’t die in its cell and I don’t want any more surprises.”

Lashqran nodded and within minutes a dainty Dinpth scientist joined them. Her prehensile tail was lashing left and right in excitement and her green eyes were practically glowing as she stared at the xenos in the containment field. She stood ramrod-straight and snapped a smart salute, right fist banging on the left breast.

“Lieutenant Sil Nubo reporting in, captain! I am ready to dissect, analyse and dissect at a moment’s notice!”

Echina sighed. “There’s no need for dissection Lieutenant. We can simply perform a deep tissue scan.”

Sil frowned and clicked her tongue. “Science is all about dissection captain! How can I call myself a scientist if I don’t cut something up?!”

Echina felt the familiar headache associated with dealing with lieutenant Sil Nubo coming on. “Just do a general check and contact us as soon as AI has finished tweaking the translator. Don’t approach it and don’t lower the field at any cost. Remember, it comes from what appears to be a category thirteen planet. So far it looks harmless but we’re not taking any chances.”

“Roger, Captain!” Sil snapped to attention once more then began to fiddle with the scanner.

I hope she doesn’t really end up dissecting him.

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Just a Guy in Space

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Prologue

“Captain, the packet’s energy signature has been detected.”

“Oh, I’m impressed it can still transmit through this sludge of radiation. ETA to pickup?”

“About twelve units Standard Galactic Time. It’s hard getting a fix on this one.”

Captain Echina, clan Umdyn, leaned back in her seat and pondered how in the vastness of space the Pride of Vanatu had stumbled upon this remotely isolated planet. The probe they sent had malfunctioned, something to do with the planet’s atmosphere. Fortunately, its beacon was still transmitting and the data packet was intact.

“Helm, maintain cloak until the time for transfer. We don’t want any surprises.”

“Aye, Aye, Ma’am.”

The standard units ticked by until engineering reported their shields and cloak going down for the transfer. Her transmitter chimed.

“Was retrieval successful?”

“Uh… about that captain…”

She frowned. “What is it? Is it damaged?” Unless the probe had been utterly destroyed it would still be possible to salvage data from it. “Have engineering and science sort it out.”

“It’s… uh, it’s not the probe that’s the problem captain. We picked up something else.”

“What?! Set up a radiation quarantine immediately and call science! Report to decontamination ASAP!”

“Captain, it’s not that. We picked up a sapiant.”

Deafening silence on the bridge. Lashqran, clan Takk, turned to her, eyes wide in disbelief. “Impossible,” he whispered. “The initial scans indicate it’s at least a category nine planet.”

Echina got up and marched to the transport room. On the way she contacted security and told them to have a full team at the ready. She was taking no chances; a category thirteen planet would have undoubtedly spawned a monstrosity of unimaginable proportions. A specialised predator that thought the probe was food. And a sapiant at that? It boggled the mind. She shook her head. Transport must have been too shocked to properly assess the situation. A sapiant simply couldn’t exist on a category thirteen.

The transport room’s doors hissed open and her security team fanned out, phasers trained on the platform in the middle of the room. The shields were up, a black screen cutting off the “sapiant” from the rest of the ship.

She turned to the shell-shocked Agaraxian at the command console. “Report,” she barked. “What’s this nonsense about a sapiant?”

The ensign audibly gulped and stammered his way to an explanation. “The-the-the… packet. We… we picked up its signature…” His voice cracked as he continued. “There was something holding it when we beamed it up. I hit the shield as soon as I saw it.”

She narrowed her eyes. Of course he panicked. Probably just a stray, nothing like the nightmare fuel she had imagined. She motioned to the security team. Phasers whined menacingly as their charges were brought to bear. “No one shoot unless I order it or it clearly takes hostile action.” She nodded to the ensign. “Drop the shields.”

The black wall flickered out and revealed one of the stranger beings she had encountered. It was bipedal, slightly taller than her, with pinkish-brown skin and a tuft of black fur on top of its head. Two arms, seemingly multijointed, ending in five grasping digits. One hand was still clutching the scout probe’s data packet. More surprising was that it was wearing what were obviously clothes. Could it really be sapiant? Phasers whined distractingly around her as she pondered what to do.

The bipedal slowly moved its other hand to shoulder height and started waving its arm in a strange motion. Garbled speech spewed out of its mouth. Its physiology was surprisingly similar to her own Agaraxian one. She stared in abject shock as her transmitter chimed, the translator frantically trying to find a reference point in what was probably the creature’s speech.

What in the nine Makers’ name do I do now?

* * *

Gustavo “Gus” Martinez was hiking in the hills, enjoying the cool breeze on his skin. The lights from the distant city were a nice backdrop and he took many pictures with his new DSLR. He was a bit strapped for cash but decided to treat himself after successfully getting a scholarship for his PhD. He continued his trek until he heard a faint chime in the wilderness.

Odd. It should be just me around here, I haven’t seen anyone for ages.

There it was again. To his right, not too far. He apprehensively made his way towards the sound. Horror stories about undetonated missiles filled his head.

Hey at least if I die I won’t have to remember Tori Reyez calling me a pervert and a freak in front of all her friends.

Yeah, there it was again. Definitely to his right and he was getting closer.

A pervert I might be but freak is a bit much. I mean, all I did was wonder out loud what her piss would taste like. Every guy’s thought about something like this before, right? RIGHT?

He carefully made his way down a hill and surveyed the surroundings. A blinking light caught his eye. He found a crashed drone deeply embedded into an old, dying tree. Huh. American drone shot down by that thunderstorm from a couple days ago maybe? Curiosity got the better of him and after several embarrassing minutes, he gave up trying to pull it out of the tree. Well, that’s that then. Better go on my way and forget all about this.

He was about to let go of the drone when the blinking light suddenly turned solid green and a sharp whine erupted from it. He only had time to think about that missile story before the world turned white.

* * *

He opened his eyes to see tall, green… guy in a uniform staring at him before a black screen sprang up around him. He blinked his vision back to normal, or tried to at any rate. He shook his head and instantly regretted it. The world lurched and he fell to his knees, bile rising up from his throat.

He barely managed to hold his camera in his free hand to prevent the vomit from drenching it. he staggered to his feet when he recovered and tried to recall what was beyond that black screen. He was still holding part of what he had mistakenly assumed to be a probe.

Wiping the vomit from his mouth with his sleeve, he tentatively touched the screen. It was cold and solid, slightly tingling with static. He pulled his hand back and looked around. This was definitely not the wild landscape he’d just been admiring. Coupled with that odd sense of distortion he felt, he could only guess that he’d been … what? Teleported out? Ridiculous as it might sound, it matched what he’s read (and fantasised about) in sci-fi novels.

Am I on a fucking spaceship?

His mind reeled. The floor was hard and cold, unlike anything he had ever seen. It looked like plastic but felt like steel. He looked at his watch. Ten minutes had passed since he’s magically appeared here. He must have been woozier than he thought. He was still trying to sort his thoughts out when the screen vanished.

He froze.

There were five very armed, very green people surrounding him, and I don’t mean green as in sick like he was just five minutes ago. The woman in charge was talking to that guy he saw the first time. There was this strange whine coming from the rest of the greens around him and he knew better than to make any sudden moves.

It was a testament to his mental fortitude that he noticed how well stacked that woman was. She was about a head shorter than his 178 cm, with purple hair held in a severe bun. There was a thin, long braid trailing down from the bun to the small of her back. And man, those tits! He was no expert but he estimated her breasts were about a D-cup, with two curious bulges directly underneath them. She had a nice pert face with enchanting fox eyes, eyes that were currently nearly bulging out of their sockets. Oh, and she was FUCKING GREEN FROM HEAD TO TOE!

Gee, I hope these aliens don’t want to probe my butthole. I mean, I’ll try anything once but probing seems a bit much on the first date.

He slowly raised his right hand, his left still clutching the drone that started this whole mess, waved and said that first thing that came to his mind.

“Nice tits, babe.”

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